Hey! Listen!

Tonight, I write. I don't know why. I only know that my heart literally tells me that I have to. I almost feel that I am struggling inside. Like there is a huge block of emotion or passion that is about to spill out of me. I honestly have no idea what that would look like or what that would be. And I don't want it to pour out as an eruption like a volcano, or the way I would spaz out on my brother, growing up. I want to focus it into something more. Something that I currently don't know I am capable of. Something I can only do because of God.


I think it all stems from the fact that I am always thinking to myself, "I want to change the world." I being me. Change being to make something, something that it isn't. The world being the place where you and me alike spend every minute of our lives. It's kind of a big deal. It's no task that should be taken lightly because if it were, the momentum would always stop short of change.

I think my passion today is to really start ministering to my youth. As most of you who are reading this know, I just got my first job as a Youth Director a few weeks ago. As of right, now my ministry has not sprouted. I work under Pastor Bill and he runs the confirmation program (Definitely one of the most swell confirmation programs that I have seen). But as of right now, that is all I am really doing, other than meeting youth and their respective parents.

I realize that is very early in my ministry job and that my ministry will take a long time before it really begins to sprout. But either way, that is why I feel like I am struggling. I want to do effective ministry so bad that it is eating me from the inside out. I want to implement some new programming, but in order to get that off the ground, I need to know my kids better and their needs. Because they come first.

And what is the point of trying to have engaging conversation with them if all they is to NOT talk about the letters of Paul and the concept of grace. They want to talk about stuff that is happening in their lives that week. They want share their own passions, and maybe even their own faults.

I dream of launching a new program on Super Bowl Sunday during halftime. Where we can literally just sit around and talk about what is going on in our own lives, and having. Maybe call it, "Shema" which is Hebrew for listen. Because if we want to minister the first thing that we always have to do is listen. I would want it to be a room open for speaking, and saying what you need to say, and others listening respectfully and then responding. I would want it to start off with minimal structure, because I don't know where it needs to go.


But I still sit here and wonder. Do I have time to waste another week? What would happen if I waited a week longer to start implementing this programming? Do the kids deserve to be forced to wait another week? If somebody, told me that only two kids are going to show up to this gig, I would still make it happen. Maybe those kids need it and needed last week, but it wasn't there.


I didn't have a destination in mind for this post. So if you made it this far, thanks, we made it together. Don't forget to come back for other thoughts from me and to see how these ideas unfold in the real world.

Changed.

I grew up in a small town in Minnesota, where not being open to new ideas was good idea. On a daily basis you would here kids being called names that I would never hear tossed around, now. You would see girls laughing at another for what she wore that day. And you'd even hear the crap continue through each class hour. It all just seemed ridiculous to me. I didn't get it.

But it was the small town factor that made it the way it is. It breeds itself a disaster. No new ideas come in. No old ideas go out. Kids have to tear apart other kids in order to have friends and feel good. They bring others down to lift themselves up. To be honest, I can't even blame them.

I can't blame the kids who called me a "fag" on a daily basis. I can't blame them for longing for acceptance somewhere and ended up turning to negative actions to get there. I longed for belonging there, too, and never really found it. (I don't want a pity party, I just want to be real with you.) It's not their fault they were raised in a town where this crap was acceptable.

I can't sit here and point fingers at them, though. In return, I wrote these kids off as "stupid hicks" who will never go anywhere. "Stupid hicks" who would never understand me. These kids weren't outward believers. I thought I was better than them. I thought I was living a superior life. I built myself up...

too.

I can't blame the kids who made high school hard, in fact I forgive them.

It's better than that. Lately, my Facebook has been gathering likes from people who I wouldn't expect likes from. I have posted statuses about faith, and received likes from the unlikely (see what I did there?) I have seen statuses about faith posted from who I thought to be the unfaithful. Best of all, I have been proven wrong.

They have...

gone somewhere.

They have...

understood.

They have...

changed.

And if they haven't. We need to give them time. We need to give them forgiveness. We need to give them love.

Tick. Tick. Tick...

So for Christmas this past year, my girlfriend bought me the Rob Bell books I didn't yet own. (Errr... four out of five of them.) I first heard of Rob Bell a few years back when I watched his NOOMA videos. I became a fan pretty quickly because he pushes his viewers/readers to think outside the box of Christianity. He offers new perspectives that are pushed aside by other authors and pastors. Currently, I am reading Velvet Elvis, Bell's first popular book.

Before we dive in, let me tell you a bit about where I am in life.

My name is Zach. I am a sophomore and a Youth and Family Ministry Major at Augsburg College in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I have known I wanted to work in ministry, since was a freshman in high school. I would often give mini-sermons on Wednesday nights at my church when I was in high school. That was how I was able to express myself and my religious beliefs. They would inspire me to think critically about life and religion intertwined. But I don't find myself doing that much on a regular basis anymore. I think critically for class purposes, but never for the sake of learning and sharing what I learned. That is why I have created this blog. So that you can listen to what I have to say, and chew on it. And then, spit something back at me.

Today, I would like to talk a little bit about knowing oneself and being happy with who you are.

Rob brings up this topic in the third section of Velvet Elvis, entitled, Tassels. Rob was filled with success and yet he seemed depressed. He had built one of the most successful churches in the history of church, yet he found himself locking himself in a closet so he could be alone before a service started. Rob was living a "Christian lifestyle" but yet he was failing to be happy. He was always helping others. Always trying to teach others about Jesus. Staying late to talk for a few extra minutes wherever he went, but this didn't fill him up. Rob was always trying to help others with their issues. Sit in the midst of their problems. This helped him cover up his own wounds.

I talk about this experience that Rob had, because it hits home for me. It is my story. It could be your story, too. I don't ever let myself get really worked up. I don't ever show my colors when I could be emotional. I take it and bottle it up, right next to my heart, where it sits and waits to explode.

Is this you?

Are you a time bomb waiting to explode, like I often am?

And when I do explode. I scare myself. I hate it when I do. I am trying to find a way so I don't do that anymore.

We are this way, because we don't want to face the true struggles that we have been through. We don't want to show others our weaknesses. We want to be fake. We want to be "happy." Bell talks about how he had issues that he never worked out from when he was thirteen. I have never really worked out my relationship with my own Dad, or even given it much of a shot. (It kills me to write this, where anyone could read it. But let me be honest, because if I am not, I am just bottling it up and keeping it inside for another time to explode.)

This past semester I struggled financially at school, and almost couldn't enroll for the spring. I owed an absurd amount of money, and I couldn't wrap my mind around how I would eventually take care of it (God worked it out.). But I hadn't told anyone. The school notified my grandpa and he called me. I blew up on him. He didn't deserve it. Later, I told my girlfriend about what was going on. And after that conversation. I really don't think I could have felt better.

When we talk about our problems, we pour out the bottles, creating less pressure, less stress that will eventually defuse. When we talk about our problems, we grow in relationship with those we love. When talk about our personal problems, we are able to learn something about ourselves.

We've got to know ourselves and what we can do and what we can handle. We've got to know our limits, and we've got to know when we need to talk. So today, I invite you to learn a bit about yourself. Think about something you struggle with. And share it with someone you love. After that's exactly what I am doing right now.